Stupid Life; off the wagon again.

I'm a bit upset with myself, but I had to choose. I was losing sleep and starting to feel a little worn thin because of everything going on in my life. Exercise & calorie counting are time consuming, and they're not an urgent importance. Getting my life in move preparation order is my priority, and making sure I don't fall ill while doing it: those are my priorities.

So I'm off the wagon. again. Sigh. But not terribly surprised. I knew it would be difficult as time drew nearer to both keep my fitness/ healthy living goals AND deal with everything else life hands you. That's why so many people fall victim to the fast food lifestyle- it's so easily, readily there for you. The difference between them and me, though, is that I am still trying to keep it in the back of my mind. I'm stumbling, but i'm not forgetting. I'm eating more calories than I should, but I'm making sure some of what I eat is green. 

But that pound I lost, Oh I found it again and it's brother. In two short weeks. *sigh*. Stupid me.

Success!

IIII loost a pooooound! III looost a poooouuund!

Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen. But why I am celebrating this, when we tend to range 3-5 pounds at any given point in one day?

Because I have reduced my calorie intake (compared to my daily levels of activity) to -3593! It is -3500 calories. I got on the scale and it gave me a lovely number I haven't seen in quite some time! That number is likely my "low" range, but I don't care! I still got to see that number!

Damn. Do you know what this means?

They.Were.Right. And I kind of hate them for it.

That's right folks. It's all about the veggies and not the fried food.

Who woulda guessed it? (ya know, BESIDES all those 'diet' obsessed folks)

Week 3- Hungry Week

I re-read my post last week about bringing my calories (and fats, though I left that part out) into check. I needed the reminder for how I did it, cause boy I did not do it this week. 

I managed to eat well, but I also carry with me some triscuit mini's, or crackers, or pretzels, as an emergency snack in case my normal veggies leave me light-headed or just don't feel enough. The problem is they haven't been enough all week. Then I go home and pig out.

And by pig out, I mean I had 4 olive garden bread sticks (leftover from to-go Friday) for dinner. That was my DINNER! 500 calories, pushing me 200 calories over cause I pigged out too much at work, and I was still hungry. Oh gee, I wonder why! Maybe because I ate like crap and had nothing of truly filling value, just the temporarily filling sensation carbs produce. Had I had some steamed veggies, I could have stayed at my calorie level and been more full. But nooo, I have to be a weak idiot. 

My justification: I paid for it & don't want to waste the food. Maybe I shouldn't have ordered it to begin with. Will I ever learn? *sigh*

Despite what it may look like above, I'm not beating myself up terribly. I had a great 2 weeks prior, and everyone's allowed to have slumps, so long as they don't allow themselves to stay in it. 

Today is much better. I have picked myself back up and am on the right track again. Yesterday is a memory best forgotten.

 I'm healthy, hear me roar!

Oh Jillian...

Me & Body Revolution. We have a love-hate relationship, one I cannot seem to make a full commitment to. For the time being I'm trying the program again, once again modifying it to better suit my needs. IE: I did all 6 days last week, but I'm only doing it twice this week + 1 cardio day since I'm feeling a bit lazy.

Jillian does her best to coach and motivate. But sometime I just... wanna punch her in the face.

As I completed Workout 1, weeks 1 & 2 (or 1- 8 for me; ya know, whatever), we're in the cool down stretch mode and Jillian instructs "I want to take this energy you've created with you here today. Take it with you and apply it to the rest of your day; you have no idea how transcendent this can be".

Um, I must be doing something seriously wrong, because energy was the last thing I had created.

Sweat- check.

Smell- *cough* check

Fatigued/ sore Muscle- *groan* check

Massive need for a nap- Oh yeah, check with big fat marker

Energy- *crickets*

The rest of my day? I admit, I have regained some of my energy level lost this AM, but I don't feel some amazing experience thanks to my pushing myself and working out today. Am I happy I did it? Sure, cause I know it'll make my body stronger, but this is not some life- altering experience. 

And because I'm pathetically week again, I will be repeating the "Week 1 & 2" dvd's for at least the next month- until the point where I feel my strength is at a level ready for progression. So I get to hear her tell me about how transcendent my energy level is for, oh, the next month or so. 

Joy.

But her other stuff does work. "Why are you here? Ask yourself why you are doing this? If you have a good why, you can tolerate any how" or "Imagine that muscle getting shredded, sculpted, getting you the body that you want, that you deserve, and I don't just mean looking hot, I mean feeling hot!" You have me there, Jillian. You have me there.

How I've Brought My Calories Down

I've Done It! I cannot believe it's possible, but I have brought my calorie intake down to a lose-weight level without trading hunger or starving myself!

How do you maintain a diet that leaves you full, eating things you like, and still keeps a low calorie count? I have struggled and struggled with calories since the birth of this blog. I was certain it wasn't possible.

But it is! Really!

My brother and I have started this facebook game. He shares on my wall or tags me in a post, meme, ect. about how hard dieting is. The most recent was a Jim Gaffigan status: "I was going to work out today but after I put on pants I was too exhausted". I come back with something opposite and inspiring, which makes him sick. Sibling love! Meanwhile, in my head, I'm thinking "He's totally right!" (thank god he doesn't know my blog- I'd hate for him to see such a statement in print!).

Plus I'm a picky eater. I eat maybe 20% of what an "average" person eats. So dieting especially sucks for me. 

If Diet Were a Person.

Me: oh yum, breakfast!

Diet: There's too much sugar and fats in that.

Me: Ok, what about this?

Diet: No, that's awful too. And that. And... just stop, it's all awful.

Me: But I need to eat!!

Diet: How about a banana?

Me: I ate one yesterday. I'm already sick to death of bananas.

Diet: Apple?

Me: Ugh, I ate that 2 days ago.

Diet: this healthy oat bran?

Me: GAG!

Diet: Eggs.

Me: EW BARF!

Diet: I give up. You're screwed, lady.

The secret to dieting: patience and playing with a lot of different options.

That's really all there is to it. Well.. OK... maybe 1 more...

Secret continued: Really and Truly recognizing when you're hungry.

I have substituted my snacking at work by replacing it with sugar-free mints and sugar-free werthers candy.

What my breakfast used to be:

An apple

 2 blueberry muffins (betty crocker made on the weekend, bagged in pairs for the week)

A handful or two of Welches Fruit & Yogurt (I suspect they lace these with crack)

  (seriously yum!)

Some triscuits or wheat thins- like 20 to 30 minimum

Pretzels

I snacked on all this throughout my day. Then lunch:

PB&J sandwich on whole wheat bread

1-2 snack bags of chips- variety pack 

some more triscuits or wheat thins

Some more pretzels

a box of raisins

THIS was me eating "healthy". 

Is it any wonder I haven't lost much weight in the last 2 years? I knew this, but I justified it with 'I need to eat, and I don't like anything else'. I knew that wasn't true, but I couldn't figure out how to combine it and make it work.

One substitution at a time, that's how it works.

My experiment in April for healthy eating was the catalyst. I truly recommend EVERYONE try it! Just for a week! Can you reduce as much as humanly possible the amount of processed stuff and try to put fruits & veggies in their place as much as possible? You Can! 

It does take some getting used to. I fully believe it's because your taste buds & body is so accustomed to eating one way for so long that it has to re-adjust itself to eating a different way. Once the adjustment is made though, you find yourself eagerly looking forward to them. The sense of fulfillment, accomplishment, and pride that follows Truly outweighs the suffering that may come in the period of adjustment.

I think my failing was trying to change it all at once. That may work for some, but not for me. I had to give my taste buds time to adjust to each new change. Once they did, I found myself looking forward to and even craving my new foods now. Best still, even my appetite has greatly reduced. It could be just that I'm no longer bored eating, though. I don't find myself craving sugar every day like I did before- that was a huge shocker to me. 

Except cheese fries. Boy, this diet is going to be a whole new game once we move back to IL and I have regular access to those things. I guess that's a good reason to be working so hard now- in preparation of what I know is to come.

I'm finding these last 2 weeks that I can easily average 1200 - 1400 calories without suffering, without even really trying. And it feels amazing! 

Best still, I've done so good this week that I can actually afford the extra calories that come with my weekend weaknesses! I've planned out Olive Garden for dinner tonight & I can still eat 200 more calories & 12 more grams of fat (maybe cantaloupe for desert?). 

Now, let's see if I can Maintain this.

Pinterest is Against Me

It's truly unfair. I'm searching through pinterest, trying to stay motivated and positive, and it's giving me an onslaught of amazingly delicious desserts! Cinnamon roll cakes, cookies, pastries, even cheesecake looks good, and I hate all forms of cheesecake. 

Or is it my own fault for failing to search specific things and letting such bad stuff filter through my random search? No, it's much easier to blame pinterest for having it out to end my diet.

To be fair, it does have a lot of motivating stuff on there, too. Ok, maybe my eyes are gravitating toward those things more. I know I shouldn't have it, and it calls to me.

I did re-modify my search for fitness diet tips with better success of tempting treats flaunting at me. 

What it has to be about is the good stuff, and I don't mean in terms of taste. I have to fill my world with the healthy stuff, and keep focusing on more and more of it. That means ignoring those tempting photos of brownies and researching new ways to improve my diet and keep it varied so I don't get bored with dieting. Finding the food that will satisfy me in the same way brownies do. 

I know there's no hope for me & my cheese fry love. I cannot begin to find something to compare to that, and will have to find a way to work it into my diet. 

This latest journey I'm starting to really believe for the first time that I'm on the right track. Ok, it's only been a week. Maybe that's silly to say. But I've been eating cleaner for several months now, this past week just took it one step further.

This morning while checking my form on Plank in the mirror I noticed something. It's probably just my imagination, but the little belly pouch I've carried through all my dieting in years past looks a little smaller, a little flatter. At first I shook my head and talked myself down 'Stop it, it's only been a week, you're the exact same damn size you were last week.' 

Then a bell went off in my head- 'Hello idiot! You Need Motivation! Why not let yourself believe that little belly pouch is getting smaller?" I like that voice. It has a logic I don't want to argue with. So yay! I'm getting smaller!

In the end it's not about that. It's not about my stupid superficial insecurities. It's not about being the pretty girl. It's not about being perfect. It's about being a healthy me. If I have to use my own insecurities to get me there, I'll do it. But if I can build myself up on this path to health instead, all the better. 

I will be healthy someday. And today I feel like 'someday' is closer than ever before.

New Day, New Attitude

I'm keeping two thoughts in focus with this latest bout of "healthy me":

1st: It's only 1 day. 

2nd: It's only the beginning.

By focusing on my results 1 day at a time, I'm less likely to feel guilty over any screw-ups I may have. Let's just see how today goes, and ignore yesterday and tomorrow.

By reminding myself I have a long journey ahead of me, as all healthy weight loss journeys are, I'm recalling I cannot expect to see results, if I EVER see results, any time soon.

I'm not bringing to work foods that I don't eat. My husband's 'snack sized' chips for work? No, will not steal a bag this time! I'm no longer bringing extra snacks with me to work, either. I'm hungry? Tough. Dinner will be soon enough; chug that water. Yesterday was a prime example of fake hunger. I would have bet my life on being hungry while I was at work. I sipped water like crazy to tide me over- I think I drank 20 ounces in an hour. The moment I got home and dove into my evening activities I realized I wasn't all that hungry after all- just mind-numbing bored.

I'm doing everything in my power to ignore the 'bad' thoughts, such as yesterday's discouragement of diet from my colleagues. Know what? They're not me! I need to be happy to be me! Not just to be 'that girl', but because I deserve to be happy being me! And to be happy being me means I need to work out and diet. Because when I feed my body stuff I know is good for me- even when my taste buds crave actual taste that's awful for me- I feel better on the inside, and that radiates to the outside. I remembered yesterday afternoon that, while I had 0 progress the last time I worked out, I didn't 'shrug off' my husband's compliments as I do now. I believed them, because I was doing something to link together the concept that I could be thin and sexy; I was working out & eating healthy.

So day 3 is going good. I'm in control and I am worth it!