Diet Over.

That is exactly how it happened. I've had a bag of  gourmet pancake mix (apparently there is such a thing) a friend gave sitting in my cabinet for months. I found it once again while digging through the cabinets for something new. 

It called to me. 

I told it "no, I'm on a diet. I've done pretty good in month one and I want to keep it up for month two."

It replied "You are not from California. You are from the midwest, where eating greasy fast food daily is a way of life. Embrace me!"

And I thought "you know what, delicious pancake mix? You are 100% right? I love my roots- why am I trying to run away from them?"

A little voice hollered in it's loudest attempt "YOUR FATHER'S CANCER TREATMENT WAS POSTPONED BECAUSE HE'S TOO FAT TO HAVE SURGERY! BE BETTER THAN THAT; BE HEALTHIER THEN THEM!!" 

Little voice may be right, but it's hard to listen when I am better than my fairly morbidly obese parents. I am even fit by military standards, though I little on the pudgy side. 

Fact of the matter is while I am proud of my efforts, I am not enjoying myself enough to keep with it. The constant fighting not to eat the foods I love. All I kept thinking of this weekend is about an article I read that said you will often over-eat on "good food" to try to satisfy the craving of bad food. 

Plus one of my biggest motivators- I'm doing this to motivate my husband- is no longer relevant. As of this past week he is 10 pounds under his maximum weight and fully happy at that weight. He's off the diet. How on Earth can I snack on carrots while he's devouring a tub of ice cream? I simply am not that strong.

So that's it. I gave up two days into Month two. I pigged out this weekend, didn't count a single calorie, and loved every minute of it.

However, that does not mean I'm totally off the Living Well thing. I want to live healthy, I just don't want it to be a non-enjoyable, "Work" part of my life. 

Modified Goals for May:

#1: Continue eating healthy/ good stuff, striving for the 2 cups of fruits & 2.5 cups of veggies a day

#2: Continue Workout Program

#3: Continue attempt to reduce cigarette intake

#4: Continue 'movement at work' goal of every 2 hours

*NEW* #5: Spend a few minutes each day in meditation/ quiet contemplation.

My Saturday fitness routine has become a mix of jogging and fast-paced walking for as long as I can tolerate (based off of soreness & the day's energy level), then a 15 minute yoga stretch session I found on YouTube & fell in love with 

At the very end of this routine she instructs to put your legs up against a wall and leave them there for a few minutes. At first I got a giggle out of it- that was something I would do when playing around as a child, and turns out it's actually some kind of yoga/ stretch routine? I played along and was surprised- it really has helped my legs feel less sore. Likely it's the stretching combined. It works, I'm not messing with this routine!

This last time I threw on the "meditation" channel on Pandora, closed my eyes, and took the time to do a little meditating along with the work. I set an alarm so I wouldn't zone out too long- still had plenty to do in my day. Alarm went off, I slowly got up and took a minute for the blood to return to my body as normal, and was surprised at how well I felt. It was beyond the "I feel stretched out and good" sensation; I felt more sound and whole. Huh. Didn't expect that. I don't think I have a lot of stress in my life, but apparently there's something rattling around in that brain that's dragging me down a bit.

Thus new goal #5. Even when we don't feel it, stress can be creeping into us. Give yourself the time you need to let the world dissolve and reboot your mind.