Self Image Issues

I know I tend to have a poor self image, and I cannot help but wonder if that's the infection of my latest desire to cut calories & be fit again. 

In gabbing to my colleagues this morning, I mentioned that I need to find a substitute to my oatmeal beyond 2% milk. I tried almond milk this morning- just not a good taste mix. I love the creamyness regular milk adds to oatmeal, and find myself really having a hard time tolerating the taste otherwise. I've already tried plain water in the past; that's more disgusting than the almond milk mixture.

My colleagues response to me wasn't alternative ideas. They chided me for wanting to lose weight. 'You look fine.' 'You don't have to worry about that until your 40 or older.' Yes, thank you. Very :ahem: helpful to my question about what to mix with oatmeal that's low-cal.

While I don't have a drastic need to shed a lot of weight, I know I have to shed a few pounds at least because my clothing fit tighter and I cannot afford a new wardrobe. Beyond that, if I wait until I'm 40 to control my weight it will likely be a huge undertaking of weight loss reduction instead of just shedding 5-10 lbs.

My husband tells me I'm fine. He calls me beautiful, sexy, gorgeous- all the stuff you expect to a good husband to say. But he says this because I told him sometimes I need to hear it. Prior to my asking him to tell me this from time to time, he used to tell me less than positive things. The worst comment was that I weigh more now than I did on our wedding day. No matter what he says now, that's the only statement I hear, echoed in my head over and over again. I know that's unhealthy to focus on the negative statement, but it resonates with me so much because it's true. Worse still, I thought myself needing to shed 5-10 lbs when we were married, too. 

It doesn't help that one of my best friends has had 2 children and still maintains that beautiful, slim body she's had since she was a teenager. Bitch (I say that with love... ish). It's really hard to go out with her, go to the pool or beach with her, and not feel like a whale in comparison. People will compare, and when they do they will always chose her over me, as they have always done. I'm the friend they buy drinks for to be nice to get in her good graces. I've accepted that, but it doesn't mean I have to be happy with it. And because I'm not happy with it, maybe I haven't really accepted it, because deep down I'd really love to be chosen over her. My own husband has mentioned she's beautiful and thin. So how does he really view me then, since I know I'm fatter than her, I know I'm just not as pretty as her?

But it's not just her. I have several friends who are heaver than me. But they have full figures. Nice, rounded figures to curve in all the right places. While I struggle to keep my swimsuit on my flat chest and hope it still hides my bump of a belly, they have those nice curves that distract from belly bulge. And they have gorgeous faces. If society took better to full figure models, they both could model- they're just beautiful. I've long-since accepted I don't have one of those faces. I'm sometimes told I'm cute, but never beautiful.

Ok, my husband says it, as stated above. But the sad fact is he never said these things until I asked him to, so I really don't know if I believe him. How authentic is it if you have to be asked to tell your spouse nice things? One voice in my head assures me he means it, he just didn't know I needed to hear it. A second voice says, 'You know how he really thinks; he may love you and want to say nice things because 'you need to hear it', but he also thinks you're chubby and could stand to lose weight.'

What it really comes down to is accepting reality. I will never have that perfect figure, kids or not, like my girlfriend. I will never have that beautiful face and full figure like my other friends. I'm made a different way, and as such I have different strengths. I know I'm intelligent- though not a genius. I know I'm occasionally funny, though not terribly cleaver. 

The rub is I'm a perfectionist. As such, I don't want to be good at everything, I want to be the best of everything- body, looks, mind, everything. It's hard for the perfectionist in me, which rules so very much and is wonderful for my work ethic, to come to terms with the fact that there are many things I will not meet the bar on. 

The Perfectionist voice also says as long as there's something I can still try & do about it, I haven't truly failed to meet the goals yet so I haven't proven I cannot be something look-worthy, something my husband appreciates without me second-guessing him.